I shared this with some men in my life. It led to some great conversations and insights. Thank you so much for writing this piece. It is important work.
As a men's retreat facilitator, coach, mentor and author of a book about men, one thing that society seems to forget, and an often unpopular question about boys and men, is: Who raised us?
My own journey of realising I didn't feel, at all, is one mirrored by many men, and the language we use around this, to unwittingly talk boys and men out of our feelings, is endemic.
As Gabriel Roth noted in the video 1 Giant Leap, when a boy expresses emotion, he's asked, "What's WRONG?" rather than, "What's happening for you right now?"
When a man expresses emotion at (say) a press conference or in a public role, the media barks, "Man Breaks Down!"
So if a man feels emotion, he's 'wrong' and 'broken'?
Our language about emotional displays from men, needs addressing, but also, so does the reason we're raised like this in the first place.
In this modern era, boys are largely raised by our mothers, have female teachers in pre-school, kindy and primary, and if lucky, might have a male teacher or 2 in high school.
A boy's relational intelligence (RQ) is very much developed from the time he spends with his mother, and in the absence of fathers (here in Australia, in a population of ~28M, we have 1M single-parent family homes and 80% don't have a father in them!), has very little to model, other than other over-mothered and under-fathered boys.
And so the cycle perpetuates ...
The confusion for modern men is that, on the one hand, women request their men be 'more emotionally available', yet the hard-core feminist misandric view is that men are part of the (patriarchy) problem, and should 'shut the fxxx up and let women speak'.
Damned if we do and damned if we don't.
The irony for me, is that every single time I've run a weeklong retreat for men and created a safe, non-judgmental container, men drop into deep levels of vulnerability, and often share they can't be like this in their relationship/work/friendship group, for fear of judgment and ridicule.
I agree this needs a collaborative approach, less 'us and them' and more 'we'.
I love this article. Like every other change we want, it has to start with grassroot movement and change. I wish more people saw this as something men and women have to do together, requiring vulnerability and patience on both parts. Men need to learn to open up, and women need to learn how to hear their cries, and vice-versa. Why vice-versa? Because many women need to learn how to trust again. Together we need to learn how to create a space where this kind of growth can happen.
Troy, thank you for offending everyone! Sometimes we need to raid the linen closet and toss out everything just to start over. Unfortunately, that won't work with patriarchy. Instead, we must work with individual men and women so that we better understand each other. bell hooks had enormous foresight to see that men coming to terms with their manly desperation is the only way to take apart the present cultural system. As men "recover" their real emotions, perhaps women will notice and back away from the more radical misandry infecting some factions within feminist circles.
The greatest threat is EVERYONE getting in touch with their feelings and finally asking what they really want. I believe if we take gender out of the equation, you would find females who want to be the family protector and males who want to be the family nurturer and carer
In all these conversations women are always the victims and never the perpetrator of anything. First problem is taking away a woman's ability to be a shitty human being and blaming it all on "paitriarchy" or "inner misogynist". Were in the age were the glass ceiling of facism has been broken. Authoritarians wear high heels and pantsuits.
Q: What is a "Patriarchy"? A: the only word in the dictionary with no definition.
Patriarchy is run by men, but specifically run by women too, in this article. It harms women, but also harms men. So men have created a system that harms men. Seems legit.
"mothers and children often default to patriarchal conditioning"
Women when left alone = The Patriarchy. But men let alone are OBVIOUSLY the Patriarchy. And yet none of us are the Patriarchy, because it's "These other people over yon" who divide and conquer us. No, I am not exaggerating.
Other comments, bell hooks is open in admitting Feminism could care less about what happens to men. We noticed. So Feminism according to her has no interest or ability in erasing the "Patriarchy-which-has-no-meaning" because only MEN can do that. Without women.
And how do they do that? By "Becoming women" so to speak, by feeling feelings I guess we were all mailed at birth and are required to have? What if I don't have my hospital-given box set? What if I already DID that? Did I get a hall pass to go home for the day? This presumes I didn't do the work. But I did and you're still attacking, thanks.
Back to bell hooks, she and feminism are helpless and useless as only men must erase "Patriarchy", which is the system that advantages them, which is why they made and run it, but ALSO disadvantages them, which is why they should have ALREADY dismantled it, because they run it.
Got it?
Look: if none of your terms make any sense or have definitions and meanings, then the logical assembly of those same terms will not have have any logic or meaning. Then they will not be helpful to anyone. To disassemble a Male/Female Patriarchy/non-Patriarchy, which is run by Us/Them alone, which both advantages/disadvantages, both Men/Women.
Can we just define Patriarchy as "God"? It is all things in the universe, everywhere, all powerful, omniscient, omnipresent, eternal.
Talk about distracting us. I'd really just rather focus on a raise at work, but the Patriarchy says men can't get no raises anymore.
To be helpful, how about reaching more people by setting aside the buzzwords, and therefore have to re-synthesize what you mean, organically, originally. It will not only reach the people who would click away when the first buzzword is used, but also better clarify your own thoughts and what help you hope to be providing.
I shared this with some men in my life. It led to some great conversations and insights. Thank you so much for writing this piece. It is important work.
Well written, Troy, and eloquently expressed!
As a men's retreat facilitator, coach, mentor and author of a book about men, one thing that society seems to forget, and an often unpopular question about boys and men, is: Who raised us?
My own journey of realising I didn't feel, at all, is one mirrored by many men, and the language we use around this, to unwittingly talk boys and men out of our feelings, is endemic.
As Gabriel Roth noted in the video 1 Giant Leap, when a boy expresses emotion, he's asked, "What's WRONG?" rather than, "What's happening for you right now?"
When a man expresses emotion at (say) a press conference or in a public role, the media barks, "Man Breaks Down!"
So if a man feels emotion, he's 'wrong' and 'broken'?
Our language about emotional displays from men, needs addressing, but also, so does the reason we're raised like this in the first place.
In this modern era, boys are largely raised by our mothers, have female teachers in pre-school, kindy and primary, and if lucky, might have a male teacher or 2 in high school.
A boy's relational intelligence (RQ) is very much developed from the time he spends with his mother, and in the absence of fathers (here in Australia, in a population of ~28M, we have 1M single-parent family homes and 80% don't have a father in them!), has very little to model, other than other over-mothered and under-fathered boys.
And so the cycle perpetuates ...
The confusion for modern men is that, on the one hand, women request their men be 'more emotionally available', yet the hard-core feminist misandric view is that men are part of the (patriarchy) problem, and should 'shut the fxxx up and let women speak'.
Damned if we do and damned if we don't.
The irony for me, is that every single time I've run a weeklong retreat for men and created a safe, non-judgmental container, men drop into deep levels of vulnerability, and often share they can't be like this in their relationship/work/friendship group, for fear of judgment and ridicule.
I agree this needs a collaborative approach, less 'us and them' and more 'we'.
I love this article. Like every other change we want, it has to start with grassroot movement and change. I wish more people saw this as something men and women have to do together, requiring vulnerability and patience on both parts. Men need to learn to open up, and women need to learn how to hear their cries, and vice-versa. Why vice-versa? Because many women need to learn how to trust again. Together we need to learn how to create a space where this kind of growth can happen.
Troy, thank you for offending everyone! Sometimes we need to raid the linen closet and toss out everything just to start over. Unfortunately, that won't work with patriarchy. Instead, we must work with individual men and women so that we better understand each other. bell hooks had enormous foresight to see that men coming to terms with their manly desperation is the only way to take apart the present cultural system. As men "recover" their real emotions, perhaps women will notice and back away from the more radical misandry infecting some factions within feminist circles.
The greatest threat is EVERYONE getting in touch with their feelings and finally asking what they really want. I believe if we take gender out of the equation, you would find females who want to be the family protector and males who want to be the family nurturer and carer
Amen
Gender Wholeness
I implore you
not to raise daughters and sons
as two different species,
with restrictive gender roles
that keep them half formed,
in a world that requires them
to be whole and complete.
©Sage Justice 2022
Gender Wholeness
I implore you
not to raise daughters and sons
as two different species,
with restrictive gender roles
that keep them half formed,
in a world that requires them
to be whole and complete.
©Sage Justice 2022
In all these conversations women are always the victims and never the perpetrator of anything. First problem is taking away a woman's ability to be a shitty human being and blaming it all on "paitriarchy" or "inner misogynist". Were in the age were the glass ceiling of facism has been broken. Authoritarians wear high heels and pantsuits.
Q: What is a "Patriarchy"? A: the only word in the dictionary with no definition.
Patriarchy is run by men, but specifically run by women too, in this article. It harms women, but also harms men. So men have created a system that harms men. Seems legit.
"mothers and children often default to patriarchal conditioning"
Women when left alone = The Patriarchy. But men let alone are OBVIOUSLY the Patriarchy. And yet none of us are the Patriarchy, because it's "These other people over yon" who divide and conquer us. No, I am not exaggerating.
Other comments, bell hooks is open in admitting Feminism could care less about what happens to men. We noticed. So Feminism according to her has no interest or ability in erasing the "Patriarchy-which-has-no-meaning" because only MEN can do that. Without women.
And how do they do that? By "Becoming women" so to speak, by feeling feelings I guess we were all mailed at birth and are required to have? What if I don't have my hospital-given box set? What if I already DID that? Did I get a hall pass to go home for the day? This presumes I didn't do the work. But I did and you're still attacking, thanks.
Back to bell hooks, she and feminism are helpless and useless as only men must erase "Patriarchy", which is the system that advantages them, which is why they made and run it, but ALSO disadvantages them, which is why they should have ALREADY dismantled it, because they run it.
Got it?
Look: if none of your terms make any sense or have definitions and meanings, then the logical assembly of those same terms will not have have any logic or meaning. Then they will not be helpful to anyone. To disassemble a Male/Female Patriarchy/non-Patriarchy, which is run by Us/Them alone, which both advantages/disadvantages, both Men/Women.
Can we just define Patriarchy as "God"? It is all things in the universe, everywhere, all powerful, omniscient, omnipresent, eternal.
Talk about distracting us. I'd really just rather focus on a raise at work, but the Patriarchy says men can't get no raises anymore.
To be helpful, how about reaching more people by setting aside the buzzwords, and therefore have to re-synthesize what you mean, organically, originally. It will not only reach the people who would click away when the first buzzword is used, but also better clarify your own thoughts and what help you hope to be providing.